What Are They Doing To My Food?

Posted this week on Boomercafe.

 

I heard a commercial this morning advertising “live caught salmon.” Really? Is there a dead caught salmon? Would it be safe to eat it if the fish was already dead when caught? I’ve become a bit perplexed nowadays over the terms used to describe my food.

Wild salmon

Wild salmon as opposed to farm raised salmon.

Besides live caught salmon, I also can buy “fresh frozen” vegetables. So, are they fresh or are they frozen? Maybe they’re alive like the salmon, but they couldn’t decide.

Then, these days, they’ve been marking everything else “gluten free” — even things that would never have gluten in them anyway. It’s not like “gluten free” is a healthy alternative. It really matters mainly to people who have Celiac disease and can’t digest gluten. These food companies are trying to make me believe that I’m better off if I buy something gluten free.

Food that contains gluten.

Seems like much of the popular food contains gluten.

For years of course they’ve offered “new and improved.” Does that mean the old one was bad?

Then they try to use fancy words to describe my food. Words like “infused” and “encrusted.” I think they can charge more if they use these words as opposed to old-fashioned phrases like “added flavorings” and “breaded.”

New England lobster roll with homemade potato chips cooked in fine oils.

New England lobster roll with homemade potato chips cooked in fine oils.

If I want a sandwich, they no longer tell me that it comes with fries. Now they tell me that I get a sandwich “nestled” with potatoes removed from a bath of fine oils. I can also order the sandwich “accompanied” by potato chips. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to eat my potato chips unescorted. Of course they no longer ask if I want white, wheat, or rye. Now they want to know which type of “artisan” bread I want. After chef school, do the new chefs have internships with various artists? Do they sign and number the bread? Should I eat it or hang it on my wall?

Writer Leslie Handler.

Writer Leslie Handler.

I always thought that a “medley” was a musical composition, but apparently that’s a very old-fashioned way to think about a medley. Today, the word is more commonly used to mean a mixture of items, such as “a medley of vegetables.”

Good news though, dessert no longer has calories because they no longer serve it. Now, you “finish” with a flourless cake. And now I’m “finished” complaining about why I can’t order a fresh fish sandwich on wheat with chips and fruit for dessert. If that’s what I want, I need to know enough to order fresh frozen live caught salmon nestled on artisan bread accompanied by chips and finished with a medley of berries.

So let me say to you in the best old-fashioned English I know: Bon Appetit!

This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge