An Hysterical Nightmare!

 

A morning without coffee with milk should be illegal!

You all have permission to laugh your asses off at me.  I certainly did.

In order to understand my recent nightmare, you have to understand two things about me:

  1.  I’ve been drinking coffee with fat-free milk since I was ten-years-old.
  2. I’ve lost seventy-five pounds on Weight Watchers, and I’m still going strong.

Now that you know these two things about me, you must also understand that Weight Watchers has its followers counting “points” not calories.  Finally, you must understand that this week they are rolling out a new plan that changes from allowing each person (depending on their current weight) thirty points daily to twenty-three.

Now that you have all this important information, you can get a glimpse into the nightmare I had last night, and why I woke up laughing this morning.

You see, in the old plan, I counted three points a day for the cup of fat-free milk I split between two cups of coffee every day. In all my years I’ve tried cream, half and half, almond milk, and even black, but none of these has ever satisfied me.  So I just came to the conclusion that three of my thirty daily points would always go towards the fat-free milk I enjoy in my coffee.

In my nightmare, I confused twenty-three points a day, with twenty-three points a week. With just over an average of three points a day, that would mean that all three daily points would go into my coffee.  In the dream, panic ensued.  OMG!  Only three points a day.  I can’t give up my coffee!  What’s a weight watcher to do? How will I work in bread for a sandwich? A bagel?  A brownie?  What do you mean I have to drink my coffee black?  No, no, no!  Weight Watcher’s is supposed to teach me how to work in my lifestyle.  Give up coffee?  Not on your life.  This is the worst thing I’ve ever heard of.  This new plan sucks!

I woke up laughing in a cold sweat when I realized I would only be using three of twenty-three points each day for my coffee with milk…not each week.

All is right with the world. Life may now resume.

P.S. If you want to borrow a cup of sugar or some extra points from me, just ask, I have twenty extra after my morning coffee.

P.P.S. These and more weight loss stories may be found under “My Weight Loss Journey” at LeslieGoesBoom.com.

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Wealth

Wealth

September 21, 2017

By 

The Pack

This week, I realized just how wealthy I’ve become.  To explain this newfound wealth, you need to know a little more about me.  You see, I am a dog lover, not just any dog lover, but a dog lover on steroids.  As a child I had a little Bichon Frise.  As a newlywed, my husband and I adopted a Schnoodle.  Over the years, the little dogs became big dogs.  We went from one dog to two dogs.  For decades we’ve maintained a two dog family along with assorted fish, and a cockatoo, who is the bane of my existence. I did say I was a dog lover, not a bird lover.

 

Last February, we had two hound dogs: a nine-year-old part Coonhound part Bloodhound mutt and a ten-year-old part Basset hound part Sheltie mutt, and yes, the Basset has short stumpy legs with a Sheltie face and is quite the funny looking sweetheart.  Even though we’ve had these two adorable dogs for nine and ten years, my husband has been begging me for a third.  He’s been trying to make his case for about eight of the past nine years.  What he doesn’t tell you, is that I’m the one who trains them, takes them to the vet, and cleans up all their hair.  Two, have been quite enough for me.  Nonetheless, every year around hubby’s birthday, in February, he asks me yet again for a third dog.  He wants a Golden Retriever puppy.

 

Last February, I finally broke down and let him get his pup.  She’s a beautiful dog, sweet tempered, smart, and she gets along with our other two; however, she IS a puppy.  She’s the first dog we haven’t adopted from a pound, and since we purchased her, my bank account has been drained on a regular basis.  Of course first, it was just the purchase itself.  Then came the vet bills.  Then came the incidence bills.

 

What are incidence bills?  They are the things I have to pay for each time Ginger, the puppy, has an incident.  There was the $250 plumber’s bill.  One day, our toilet was clogged.  After unsuccessfully snaking it on my own, I called the plumber in.  He ground his professional snake into that toilet for a solid twenty minutes before he pulled up the tennis ball Ginger decided to drop into the toilet bowl.

You found my ball!

Yesterday, I left a twenty-dollar-bill on the kitchen counter to remind myself to pay someone when I got home later in the day.  When I did get home, the twenty was not on the counter, it was in pieces all over the house!  Today, she found the TV remote.  Thank goodness for Amazon Prime.  It was still $12 to replace it.

Yum!

 

If my bank account has been so depleted by our new Ginger, why am I so wealthy?  Well I have a very simple answer for that.  Not all wealth comes in dollar bills.  Some of it comes in happy greetings every time I come home.  Some of it comes in a warm cuddle at the end of a long day, and some of it comes in unconditional love times three.  I’m so very wealthy!

Wealth: the saga continues:

A few hours after this essay posted yesterday, I received a package.  Inside was a new toy I ordered for Ginger to keep her a bit more occupied.

New Toy

What could possibly go wrong?  Within minutes she had one of the bones completely off the rope.  Within an hour, it was wedged over her bottom teeth and jaw!  I kid you not.  There was no way that sucker was coming off.  By 8:15pm we were in the veterinary emergency room.  By 11:30 we were back home safe and sound after anesthesia, a saw, and $250 accomplished the removal of said bone.  Hubby and I were a wreck.  As for Ginger, I don’t think she noticed a problem.  She was in fact, so happy that the staff at the hospital fell in love with all eighty-two-and-a-half pounds of her.  Now they’re wealthier in both dollar bills and puppy love.  I think it was a win-win!

Published on Humoroutcasts 9/21/17
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Were the Good Old Days all Good?

 

NOSTALGIA July 2017

Leslie Goes Boom

A Mixed Bag of Memories

By Leslie Handler

Remember Dippity Do? It was awesome. You put this gel-type substance on your wet hair, set it in wire curlers, let it dry, and when you removed the curlers you had stiff, perfect curls that when brushed out, created a lovely, soft, shiny curl to your hair. I miss Dippity Do. I googled it recently. The good news, is that you can still buy it. The bad news is that they proudly advertise that it doesn’t make your hair stiff anymore, as if that’s a good thing. Brushing that stiffness out, is what made it the perfect product. They just don’t make stuff like they used to.

Nothing is made to last anymore. Remember the TV repairman? Now, if your TV is broken, you just buy a new one. Everything is “throw it away and buy new.” Our clothes get thrown out if they need a repair. But remember the sewing box? We all had one. It always included a needle and thread, scissors, a tape measure, some spare buttons, snaps, and elastic. We actually repaired our wearables. Now, lady’s clothes are made with such thin fabric, it’s commonly accepted that not only will they not last long, but we will also have to wear a camisole under almost anything we buy to make up for the thin see-through fabric used in our ready to wear.

I can remember the time before we had 20 loyalty cards attached to our key chains. Back then, instead of giving you a coupon to buy more stuff with your loyalty card, they actually gave you something for your loyalty. We received every drinking glass in our house for free from the local gas station, and our dishes came from the neighborhood grocery store. You got a new glass with every fill up; a new plate every time you spent a few bucks at the grocery store until you had a full set of dishes.

And who can forget S&H Green Stamps? Nowadays you can only find them in the attics and basements of those of us old enough to remember what they were. We find them, we hold them, we hesitate to throw away a book completely filled with stamps, but in the end, we toss them aside like everything else today.

I recently had a neighbor giving away old National Geographic magazines. They weren’t in mint condition but they were in very good condition. Some of them dated as far back as the 1920s. I took a few hundred off his hands from the ‘20s through the ‘70s. They aren’t worth enough to ship if you were to sell them, so they’ll just collect dust on my shelves giving me the enjoyment of seeing them until I someday move them to my attic or basement giving someone the job of reminiscing and then tossing them.

Heck, even I don’t last. I go to bed earlier, and my parts are wearing out as well. Some of us can still get replacement parts as our old ones wear out, but mine are still original. Gee, I hope they keep replacing parts when I need them. Otherwise I too might end up in the trash if I break something. They’ll just go out and buy a new clone of me.

With all these fond memories of things that used to last and bring us joy, it took a recent movie to bring me back down to reality. A few months ago, I went to see the movie Hidden Figures. It gave me a little reality check as to all the things that happened “back in the day.” One of my earliest memories was walking into a Sears store with my mom and learning about the signs above the water fountains that said “whites only” and “colored.”

I remember when you could still go to lunch at Woolworth’s counter…well, some of us could. I remember playing a board game called “mystery date game.” One player always got the “dud.” I guess we weren’t teaching much inclusion back then.

I can remember how cool we kids thought it was to get a box of “cigarette” candy and look like the grown-ups, and I remember occasional school days when we had to “duck and cover.” How awesome to give your kids air raid drills in school. I had fond memories of commercials with Bill Cosby that just seemed so cute when they tried to sell me Jell-O pudding pops. We all know how that story ended.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the good old days weren’t always so good. They were kind of a mixed bag. I choose to try to look at things more positively and consider how far we’ve come. Even though in my lifetime alone we’ve gone from vinyl, to tape, to CD, to digital, I choose to follow the old Blockbuster video rental mantra: “Be kind, rewind.” If we’d just all remember kindness for the next ones to come, I think we’ll all be able to remember the good old days.

Let’s chat.  What fond, or not so fond, memories do you have?

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